just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
