Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
