No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
