Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
