I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
