I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
