I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
