Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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