There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
