I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
