I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
