I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
