Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
