Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
