Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
