just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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