mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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