i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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