I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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