just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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