This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
