I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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