god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
