Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
