We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
