dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
