from now on my penis is your penis
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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