This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Barsexuality is the new black.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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