he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
