TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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