My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
