I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
