I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
