No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
