you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
