I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
