Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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