My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
