nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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