You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
