am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
