she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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