she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
