I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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