She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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