I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
