i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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