I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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