I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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