He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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