I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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